Letting go of your inner critic and breaking the chains of negativity

Everyone has a little nagging voice in their head, their inner critic, that is a source of negative thoughts. This inner critic judges, criticizes, shames us for our perceived flaws and imperfections. This voice is usually loud during vulnerable times and is a major blocker for personal growth and development. Learning to understand, challenge and manage the inner critic is important to cultivate self-compassion, get rid of negative thoughts and live a more fulfilling life. 

Awareness is the first step in identifying and letting go of the inner critic. You have to become aware of its presence and its negative impact on you. Identify situations when your inner critic is triggered and explore your feelings about it. Often the inner critic is trying protect you from feeling vulnerable emotions like shame or guilt or fear in these situations. By exploring how you really feel (without the criticism) in these situations, you can sideline the inner critic. Identify your vulnerability and feel those feelings. For eg. what am I afraid of? What if that happened? What does that really mean etc. 

Technique

When your inner critic says “you are not good enough” 

You might be thinking “I feel disappointed and overwhelmed. I feel pressure to live up to my own standards and expectations.” 

Instead, you should think “I need to give myself permission to make mistakes and learn from them. I need to be kind and compassionate towards myself even when I don’t meet my own standards and expectations.” 

Use a second person perspective to reframe self criticism. 

Technique

For example when you make a mistake at work, you might say to yourself “I’m so stupid”. Instead, rephrase that into a second perspective like “you made a mistake, everyone makes mistakes. It’s ok not to be perfect” 

This way, you are speaking to yourself in a kind and empathetic manner with self compassion and not holding on to negative thoughts. 

Express empathy toward your inner critic and acknowledge it’s out of control feelings. The inner critic is often trying to protect you from past hurt guilt or negative thoughts and emotions you might have experienced. 

Technique

Saying “I know where you are coming from” or “I know you’re trying to protect me” or “I know you are scared, but I’m going to be ok. I can handle this” etc you are expressing empathy towards the inner critic and separating yourself from the negative thoughts. This allows you to take power away from the self critic and focus on self compassion. 

Express yourself. When a situation comes up and your inner critic started to show up, understand your true genuine emotions towards the situation and address your self critic to step away. 

Technique

Use third person pronouns to express your reactions. Like “You are not helping me right now. I need you to stop talking to me this way” 

This helps you take an active step towards breaking free from the grips of the self critic and taking control of your own emotions and reactions. 

Change perfectionism to excellentism

People find themselves stuck on a task or idea because of perfectionist tendencies and this can hold people back in many ways. They obsess over every detail and often lose the big picture. A healthier alternative is called ‘excellentism’. It’s the idea of setting high standards for yourself but not allowing them to become unattainable or detrimental to your own self, not beating yourself up for missing the mark. It doesn’t mean settling for mediocrity, it means acknowledging that progress is better than perfection and perfection is an unrealistic goal. Put in your best effort and acknowledge small wins along the way. 

Technique

Make a list of what perfect looks like to you - this will help identify areas where you put a lot of pressure on yourself. Use this list to help guide you to decide if everything on the list is absolutely important (perfectionism) or if you can get by without a few things on the list (excellentism). For eg when you host, perfectionist goals might be to have “a perfectly clean house” or “all homemade dishes”. What if the house was not perfectly clean or what if some dishes were store bought? Be open to the idea of having new experiences instead of beating yourself up over what you believe is perfection. This can help you enjoy the hosting activity more fully. 

Always remember to be self compassionate during this process and don’t let your inner critic tell you you’re not good enough. You are capable of handling yourself without your inner voice criticizing you.

Iceland trip

Day 1:

Travel day! The whole day was gone in travel!

DFW to BOS with a 5 hour layover and BOS to Reykjavik (red eye flight)

Day 1:

Landed at 6am, picked up bags and got to Suraj Sruthi’s hotel to freshen up

Temperature was 56 so I thought I might not need thermals. but it was so windy that I ended up wearing thermals!

Boys went to pick up the camper van. They found one in the rental place but the other one was at the airport. So they had to go back there and get it. 

Day 2:

Pingvellir national park

November 2021 - what a month!!

Oh what a month! Probably one of the most hectic months of my entire life!! And K’s too!! 

Banff Trip

Columbia ice fields - athabasca glacier, 5 others 

Columbia Ice field Skywalk…glass-bottomed…918 feet above the Sunwapta Valley

Big bend viewpoint 

Weeping wall viewpoint

Mistaya canyon - 0.5 km trek down. Gushing water and gorgeous views

Saskatechwan crossing

Peyto lake gorgeous panoramic views 

Day 2

Lake Louise

Lake moraine

Watch out for parking running out. You have to take a bus which will have really long long lines. Best to go really early and park there. 

Day 3

Banff Gondola & observation deck

What views! But too too windy

Hot springs are right there, but wasn’t worth it. Was more like a communal pool. I didn’t get in

Just sat on a bench and stared at the sky

Lake minnewanka cruise - surprisingly very entertaining and great views again. 

Drive back to Calgary n stayed at a hotel near the airport 

Woke up at 3.30 to get on a 6.45 flight! 

My Curly hair technique

After a number of attempts with different products, different Curly Girl (CG) techniques over the last 3 years...here is a set of steps and products that work for me! If you're wondering what the Curly Girl method is, here's a Wiki refresher. 

I've been consistently following this technique for over a year with fairly consistent results. Remember though, everyone's hair is different and the same products/techniques that worked for me may not work for you! There is a fair amount of trial and error you have to do to get the results you like. There is tons of content floating around, lots of influencers on Insta & YouTube with a large variety of tips...so it takes a lil bit if digging around to find what works for you. 

The products you use should be Curly Girl approved. Check list here. It's important to use these products for a variety of reasons, primarily because they are free of sulfates, silicones, alcohol which is super important for maintaining Curly hair without frizz.

Here are the products I use for my technique:

Shampoo: Shea Moisture coconut and hibiscus shampoo and R+Co clarifying shampoo (it's unavailable on Amazon, and Target - I'm looking for it too! In the meanwhile you can use another CG approved clarifying shampoo)

Conditioner: Shea moisture Manuka honey and Mafura Oil Intense Hydration Hair Masque

Curling Cream: Cantu Shea Butter Curl Activator Cream

Curl Gel: Cantu Shea Butter Moisturizing Twist and Lock Gel

Microfiber towel for drying

Curl Defining Oil: Aussie Miracle Curls - Curl defining oil

My Technique

Step 1: Shampoo hair

I first use the clarifying shampoo to remove product build up (which is required for lighter, bouncier curls) and then use the regular shampoo. This step is pretty mundane, same old old! 

Step 2: Apply Conditioner

I apply the intense hydration masque in sections and comb my hair as I'm applying. That allows for the product to get evenly distributed. I leave it on for 5 minutes. You can leave it on for 15 minutes if you have time and cover with a shower cap for better results.

Step 3: Wash off conditioner in cold water

Now here's where the fun starts. Get ready for your neck to pain 😀

Turn water to cold (or lukewarm but not hot). Flop your hair over - bend your head under the shower and let your hair fall over your face. Now start squishing your hair with your palms, also popularly called as 'Squish to Condish'. Here's a video of how to do it, starting around 2:51 minutes. This also shows how to plop over your hair. I do all this while inside the shower. You will start seeing your curl patterns forming now. 

Step 4: Apply Curling cream

After you wash off the conditioner, keep your hair plopped over and apply curling cream to sopping wet hair. Take the product into your palms and apply to your hair while it's plopped over, from scalp to the bottom. Put both your palms together to apply the product, a.k.a "Praying hands" technique. After applying, squish your hair (like you did in Step 3 while washing off the conditioner). This squishing helps reinforce your curl pattern and gets product all over your curls that are wet and soppy at this point.

Step 5: Apply Curling Gel

Keep your hair plopped over! Yes! You can do it...one more step to go! Put both your palms together to apply the product, again using the Praying hands method. After applying, squish your hair again. You can plop over hair to the left and squish, plop over your hair to the right and squish. You get the point...Squish, squish, squish!! This gets the gel all applied all over and further reinforces your curl pattern. And the curl pattern you see now is eventually how your hair will dry.

Step 6: Wrap hair in microfiber towel

With your hair still plopped over, use a microfiber towel and wrap it up. Do not use a cotton towel, do not disturb curl pattern at this time. Simply wrap it up and let it be while you finish up the rest of your shower!

Step 7: Air Dry

I leave the microfiber on for 15-20 minutes, that gets most of the water out. Then I open it up and let my hair fall loose. At this point I prefer to air dry my hair. It takes about 4-5 hours for my hair to fully dry up. At this point your hair gets 'crunchy' due to the gel drying out. Plop your hair over again, and squish your dry hair, also called "Scrunch the Crunch". Just do it the same way you scrunch your hair while it was wet, just that your hair is dry now. You can also apply oil to your hair in this step so the hair doesn't get too frizzy (see Step 8). 

(Alternate method) If I don't have time to air dry, or if it doesn't dry in winter, I use a Diffuser attachment with my hair dryer. I have a Revlon Diffuser and I got it in Target. 

Step 8: Apply Oil

You just went through all the trouble to wash your hair....so apply oil now? Yeah! Counter-intuitive but super important. Curl defining oil will give you hair shine and keep any flyaway frizz under control. After hair is fully dry, I gently apply Curl defining oil all over. I use the word gently, because you should be careful with not disrupting the curl pattern. Scrunch again for oil to get applied all over.

Don't apply too much please 😊

You're done! Let your curls bounce!!

This is the way I wash my hair on the 'wash day'. The curls stay for about 3-4 days for me. After 4 days, my curls start becoming flat but I don't really care at this point because it's almost the weekend and another wash day is close by!!

A few tips

• I do apply oil on my hair once in a few weeks. Good old Parachute coconut oil. You can apply as much oil as you want! Hydration is key for curly hair.
• If you are interested in finding your curl pattern, identify your Curl Pattern. I used this as a guide to help me find relevant content for my hair type.
• Do not comb your hair, please! ever! This is the worst thing you could do to your curls! As soon a comb goes through your curly hair, it disrupts your curl pattern and makes it frizzy.
• Do not run your fingers through your hair, this will disrupt your curls and your hair will become frizzy!
• Use products generously at least till you figure out a routine that works for you.  
• Use both curling cream and gel. Otherwise you will not get desired results. 
• Use products on wet hair and style (preferably while in the shower). Wet hair allows for the product to get soaked into your hair through the pores. 
• Do not use a hair dryer without a diffuser.
• Curls will not look the same two times, so get ready for that!! 

It’s my bday again!

What an amazing day…

Started with flowers n cards from my boys, a heart warming experience in the Baba temple, lunch with Amma Bapu, my very own pair of Christian Louboutin, evening with in laws, dinner with Kanth….sprinkled with sweet surprises & best wishes  from family n friends all throughout the day….#blessed 🙏

The conscious parent

A real person like myself

Be open to the idea that our imperfections may actually be the best tools for change. 

You are raising a soaring spirit, throbbing with its own signature. What you say in a moment might make or break your child’s spirit. We aren’t raising a mini me. Separate who you are from your Children. They aren’t ours to possess in any way. We need to tailor our raising to their needs, not our needs. 

To connect with your children, first connect with yourself. 

“Ego” is an artificial sense of ourselves. We tend to use our egoistic superiority to enforce control on children. Letting go of this egoistic self image will allow us to engage with our children as our real self. 

To parent consciously it is very important to be aware of the influence of our ego. Once we detach from our expectations of how a person ‘should’ behave, we automatically demonstrate acceptance which forms a connection. Letting go of your egoism and how things ought to be or how people should act will allow you to step off your ego pedestal. You have to be able to find your true self and transform yourself to become a spiritual partner in your child’s journey. Children don’t need our ideas and expectations or our dominance and control, they just need our engaged presence. Allow your children to hold your hand and take you on a journey of being a better parent. It doesn’t mean you be your child’s minions, there have to be boundaries and the relationship should be well rounded. 

The spiritual reason we birth our children

Children are able to take us deep into the remnants of our emotional past and evoke deeply unconscious feelings. It is their spiritual right to offer us a reflection of our own unconsciousness and help us break free of the clutches of our past. Conscious parenting is learnt through the actual experience of learning through the relationship we have with our children. use the parenting relationship to become conscious so we are aware of what is needed in our child’s life in the moment that an issue arises. The ability to see children separate from who we are is the greatest gift we can give them. Catch ourselves in an unconscious moment, detach free from it and develop consciousness which is not a destination but an ongoing process. Unconsciousness is not necessarily a bad thing but is a portal for the development of our consciousness. 

Release your children from your need for approval

 

Accept your kids for who they intrinsically are. Who are we to judge them? A child’s core, essential being must be unconditionally celebrated. Our children need to grow up with the awareness that who they are is worthy of celebration. Revel in their existence without having them accomplish any thing, or prove anything. Parents should have the ability to stay connected to their inner essence through the periods when their external behavior might fall apart and that conveys to them that they are of immense value. How to do that? 

Your children need to feel that just because they exist, they delight you. They don’t have to do anything to get your undivided attention. They deserve to feel that just by being born they earned the right to be adored. They will carry this inner spirit through their adulthood and won’t need to seek validation or accolades.