Everyone has a little nagging voice in their head, their inner critic, that is a source of negative thoughts. This inner critic judges, criticizes, shames us for our perceived flaws and imperfections. This voice is usually loud during vulnerable times and is a major blocker for personal growth and development. Learning to understand, challenge and manage the inner critic is important to cultivate self-compassion, get rid of negative thoughts and live a more fulfilling life.
Awareness is the first step in identifying and letting go of the inner critic. You have to become aware of its presence and its negative impact on you. Identify situations when your inner critic is triggered and explore your feelings about it. Often the inner critic is trying protect you from feeling vulnerable emotions like shame or guilt or fear in these situations. By exploring how you really feel (without the criticism) in these situations, you can sideline the inner critic. Identify your vulnerability and feel those feelings. For eg. what am I afraid of? What if that happened? What does that really mean etc.
Technique
When your inner critic says “you are not good enough”
You might be thinking “I feel disappointed and overwhelmed. I feel pressure to live up to my own standards and expectations.”
Instead, you should think “I need to give myself permission to make mistakes and learn from them. I need to be kind and compassionate towards myself even when I don’t meet my own standards and expectations.”
Use a second person perspective to reframe self criticism.
Technique
For example when you make a mistake at work, you might say to yourself “I’m so stupid”. Instead, rephrase that into a second perspective like “you made a mistake, everyone makes mistakes. It’s ok not to be perfect”
This way, you are speaking to yourself in a kind and empathetic manner with self compassion and not holding on to negative thoughts.
Express empathy toward your inner critic and acknowledge it’s out of control feelings. The inner critic is often trying to protect you from past hurt guilt or negative thoughts and emotions you might have experienced.
Technique
Saying “I know where you are coming from” or “I know you’re trying to protect me” or “I know you are scared, but I’m going to be ok. I can handle this” etc you are expressing empathy towards the inner critic and separating yourself from the negative thoughts. This allows you to take power away from the self critic and focus on self compassion.
Express yourself. When a situation comes up and your inner critic started to show up, understand your true genuine emotions towards the situation and address your self critic to step away.
Technique
Use third person pronouns to express your reactions. Like “You are not helping me right now. I need you to stop talking to me this way”
This helps you take an active step towards breaking free from the grips of the self critic and taking control of your own emotions and reactions.
Change perfectionism to excellentism
People find themselves stuck on a task or idea because of perfectionist tendencies and this can hold people back in many ways. They obsess over every detail and often lose the big picture. A healthier alternative is called ‘excellentism’. It’s the idea of setting high standards for yourself but not allowing them to become unattainable or detrimental to your own self, not beating yourself up for missing the mark. It doesn’t mean settling for mediocrity, it means acknowledging that progress is better than perfection and perfection is an unrealistic goal. Put in your best effort and acknowledge small wins along the way.
Technique
Make a list of what perfect looks like to you - this will help identify areas where you put a lot of pressure on yourself. Use this list to help guide you to decide if everything on the list is absolutely important (perfectionism) or if you can get by without a few things on the list (excellentism). For eg when you host, perfectionist goals might be to have “a perfectly clean house” or “all homemade dishes”. What if the house was not perfectly clean or what if some dishes were store bought? Be open to the idea of having new experiences instead of beating yourself up over what you believe is perfection. This can help you enjoy the hosting activity more fully.
Always remember to be self compassionate during this process and don’t let your inner critic tell you you’re not good enough. You are capable of handling yourself without your inner voice criticizing you.